Some Of The Best Festivals EVER! - Part Two - Glastonbury

Festival season is upon us and I thought I'd look up my old blog and remember with fond memories the summer I attended Glastonbury. As it was such an amazing festival I felt it deserved a full blog all of it's own.

What a blast! I can now tick off another ambition acheived off my "before I turn 40 list"! The festival of all festivals. We arrived Thursday afternoon and we were very fortunate to have friends who had already pitched up our tent on Pennard Hill Camp, which was the best field (personal opinion) for camping, because as the heavens opened our tents remained mud free due to us camping on a slant.

Although we did have trouble finding our tent the first night there. 




Too many lagers whilst still getting your bearings in 900 acres of farmland and sharing this space with 137,000 other revellers is not congenial to finding a Orangy/brown two man tent. I had visions of propping myself up on a hedgerow all night, like the poor bastard dressed in just his boxers and green wellies who had clearly over done it on the pear cider, uppers and downers all in one sitting. Boy I bet he had a hangover the next day. (Enjoying a beer, thats toilet paper wrapped around my head, because I had left my bandana back at the tent.)We went to see The Beat in the Leftfield tent that night, as there wasn't much else on, but I did begin to get my reggae type stomp down to a tea by the end of the show.


I also faced my worse fears after four cans of lager. The dreaded portaloos. Now I have spent the last few years at concerts and festivals, working my way up to the biggy. And my affiliation with the portaloo has grown up with me. I went to Reading Festival and refused to go on anything except a porcelain flushing pot. Then at V Festival last year I had no choice but to use the plastic cabin loos. I could cope with this as they did keep them well stocked with toilet roll and sanitary hand cleaners and you couldn't see what anyone else had disposed of. I thought I was doing really well until I saw The Green Glastonbury Crappers. 

Dear Lord! Now I know when I said to the gang, I was going to Christen the toilet for my first Glastonbury pee, everyone shouted back, "What ever you do don't look down!" Of course I couldn't resist. Well! I have never seen anything like it. Some abnormal creature had left a dump the size of an elephant shit. No human could possibly pass such solid without abnormal bowel movements and a serious dose of piles to boot.

Saturday: My Festival Buddy, suggested we go off shopping on our own to find suitable Saturday Glastonbury attire for one another. So with my £10 in hand I went off in search of a fantastic outfit, unique. We met up a few hours later and decided to sink a few beers in the Queens Head Marquee whilst singing along to the "Sony Kareoke machine doo dah thingy majig!" Oh I don't know what it was called. Lots of drunk people got up and sang songs!!

Then we headed back to camp to prepare ourselves for the gift swap and dressing up in really mad clothes just for one night only!
This is what Rich bought me.

I think I look pretty spiffing as a Boho Hippy Glasto Chick!

This was my masterpiece! I even did his makeup. I have decided that as a creative person, I may diversify into the world of Live Human Art. This Creation I am going to call ""THE HIDDEN MAN""
Someone actually complimented me on the look citing it to be Soooo Avant Garde!!! Likkle old me!
We also decided to do a spot Freelance advertising for my debut novel Didikai Witch. I mean how often do you get a bloke in a glittery boob tube and Cerise Pink feather eyelashes wandering around. Everyone was staring at him, it was a great marketing move.


I know I look like Marilyn Manson had just snogged my face off, but I was meant to look like that. I had always wanted to walk around in public with really smudged lipstick all over my face and not worry. One woman approched me and was about to inform me of my makeup up faux pas then realised the irony on my face and made a quick exit into the crowd. Hee hee! That was whilst I was watching Iggy Pop and the stooges. What a showman, he encouraged about two hundred members of the audience to get up on stage with him and called them The Glastonbury Dancers. Someone in the Crowd on stage had a banner he was waving about that said "Bring Back Wispa Chocolate!" Brilliant!

Another lovely lady said I looked stunning and ready for a wild night out painting the festival red! And I did! Fantastic Day.

Anyway back to the story of Glastonbury. 

I was still awake at 6am because I hadn't yet gone to bed. Myself, Rich and a couple of the others from the gang. We had stayed up all night so we could watch the Solstice sun rise between the stones in the stone circle field (and yes they really have been there for thousands of years.) What a fantastic place! Now as I am a practising Reiki Master, I do work with energy now and then, but when I stood in the centre of the stone circle and watched the dawn break over the horizon, I could feel the ripple through my feet. I must have been stood on a ley line. Anyway it was amazing and an experience I won't forget in a hurry. I can still see and hear Jim and Rick sat on top of the stones playing their bongo drums.

It absolutely bucketed it down. I am now convinced that Glastonbury is a three dimensional portal to Hell, Englands very own Hell Mouth, because it was sunny everywhere else except Glasto. Honestly, as you drove into the village the heavens opened and as you drove out again the sun came out. Twilight Zone or what?

Anyway, to shelter from the worst of the torrential downpours we sat in the Cabaret Marquee quite a bit, which was great for resting tired tootsies. Watched a fantastic show by Big Beats. They drummed on all sorts of items from shopping trolleys to kitchen sinks. A bit like the show Stomp, but without all the stomping!

We then watched Amy Winehouse who was surprisingly sober, but it was only 3pm. Apparently someone said she had the twitches by the time they saw her on the Jazz Stage later that night. This was us sort of watching Amy. As you can see my wellies were never quite the same. Poor wellies. They sit forlornly in my kitchen still caked in mud.

But I managed to get to the Pyramid stage just in time to see Kasabian. Great to see them again, but why oh why do they have to insist on calling their fans f****rs? A girl could start to get a complex.

I finally ended up at the Avalon Tent watching the Waterboys. Fantastic! Highlight of the day. The energy from the band and the crowd was electric. Tried taking a photo of them pogo hopping about the stage, but a very friendly hippy stood next to me pointed out that the lights on the stage were too bright. And he was quite right. Amazing! I thought hippies shunned anything remotely Techno? I didn't worry too much though, I just had another 7% proof Pear Cider and the world seemed a much better place.

Sunday... This is where the whole mud and shit really started to get to me. I woke up to the sounds of people retching, farting and pissing around the tent and I lay there in extreme discomfort (despite having an airbed) listening to the rain beating down on the tent and waiting for us to be washed away in a tidal wave of farmers crap. I thought to myself, "Christ Ali, you are a thirty four year old woman pretending you are still Eighteen. You should be curled up in your super duper extra comfy bed at home with the heating on and a steaming hot cuppa tea."

I understand now why so many people take drugs at these events... It's to forget just how uncomfortable it all is. The music and experience was fantastic, but the hostelry amenities SUCKED!
Enough of my moans and groans, although I do think I now have a permanent crick in my neck. Any volunteers to massage it out for me?Sunday was just as much fun though. After a hearty breakfast of Sweet and Sour Chicken and Egg Fried Rice!!! I know! It was the only place where you could sit down and eat...And I am NOT known for my virtuous Patience when it comes to having to queue for ANYTHING... Even sneeked into the Men's Pigs Troughs and hovered over the urinal, when I was really desperate, as The She Pee Tent was always full!! Even Men queued up for it... Hello! What part of "SHE and PEE" do you not understand? I think some pervs just wanted to watch women defy laws of nature and stand up to piss for a change!


Not Sure why there were Dodgem cars here, but I posed for the camera anyway.Then we went to see some more comedy acts because, yes you guessed it, it poured down again. So we ended up in the disco area listening to Pendulum and dancing wildly about. I did actually like this band, mainly for the rocking drumming over dance music, but I forgot to get my glow sticks, so I felt all empty and hollow and a deep sense of loss at not looking like a tit for a change!

We went to the Lost Vagueness area, where you could get married to your pet parrot if you wanted to, but this place was wholly depressing. It was a mud strip, with just the odd party animal still dancing in the make shift American Diner, probably staggered there the night before looking for a Tipi and got completely Lost... They did seem a bit Vague too.

The Horrors were awesome and completely bonkers. Fantastic Punk Rock Bond. I think they had to be the highlight of the day for me. The lead singer reminded me of a young Iggy Pop, The guitarist, a young Slash, but with lots of blond streaks, The keyboard player and young Fester Adams (with hair) and the drummer a Young Ringo Star!

By the end of the day I was giddier than a giddy kipper, and threw some mud at Rich. Of course this ended up in a full blown mud fight. So I decided to rub my entire face in mud before Rich did it for me. Hmmmm I think I got a few strange looks at this point, because I forgot I had nothing to wash it off with and within an hour it had dried harder than and Avon Cosmetics Mud Pack. It was cracking and crumbling all over my face and I think I pulled a few hairs out whilst trying to peel the concrete off. On a postitive note though I did wake up the next morning with lovely soft skin.

Monday was dismal, not only did we have to trek miles back to the car in mud, but it poured with rain. Then, when we got in the car we had to sit in a traffic jam for ages.... This part of the weekend is far too traumatic to relive. 

This day was serious fun.
Bearing in mind I didn't get to bed until 6 am and got up again at 10am when the music started on The Park and The Pyramid Stage roadies began testing the mikes and drums, "One. Two..Twoo Twoo..." Bless they can't count passed Two.

First of all we went into the Hara Krishna tent, just for the atmosphere of peace and tranquility and some possible free breakfast... Until I saw the gray 'papia mache' slop they were serving up and decided to fork out £5 for some kind of reconstituted meat based product from the other food stalls!
I tried to sing along to the Hara Krishna songs, but alas they were far too difficult for me to remember all the words!!
I think it went something like..."Hare Hare, Rama Rama, Krishna Krishna, Mung Beans and Lentils!" Well that was what I was singing anyway!

Sorry for the remenising blog, but it is festival season after all and I feel I'm too old for all that stuff now. I'm quite happy travelling Europe in my luxury motorhome promoting my books. www.thebeyondseries.com

Vampire Sorceress is now on sale on Kindle and the paperbacks are due out next week! Fingers Crossed.